101 Things Not To Do At Hogwarts
by The Fat Chipmunk
Summary: Updated! The Weasley twins’ legacy has inspired some hopeful new pranksters – most of which include the socially unaware, mentally defiant, and of course, the tragically naïve. And since Filch has been denied his whipping rights…
1. 101 Things Not To Do At Hogwarts

Disclaimer: Who, us?**  
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**101 Things Not To Do At Hogwarts**

_Compiled and created by_ jynkyg _and_ The Fat Chipmunk

The Weasley twins' legacy has inspired some hopeful new pranksters – most of which include the socially unaware, mentally defiant, and of course, the tragically naïve. And since Filch has been denied his whipping rights, the seventh years and staff have taken it into their own hands to give students some advice and rules of what _not_ to do at Hogwarts.

Note: Most of these are readily available on the internet, and by no means are we taking credit for any of them. (Well, maybe some of them.) But this is merely a compilation of the hundred-and-one funniest "things not to do at Hogwarts" we've found, posted here just for laughs. We also apologize if anyone's already done something like this. Hope you enjoy. :)**  
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**101 Things Not To Do At Hogwarts**

1. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

2. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" when being sent to the Headmaster's office.

3. I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney's tarot deck.

4. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms." 

5. I will not draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on the paintings in Hogwarts while the subjects are sleeping. They do not find it amusing.

6. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

-6b. Neither will I take one out on the new DADA teacher.

7. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

8. I will not change gravity on the Hogwarts grounds. My fellow students do not need to develop extra muscles and jumping into an orbit is not funny.

9. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West.

-9b. Neither is Professor Umbridge.

10. I will not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

11. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order "to see what happens."

12. I will not walk up to a Hufflepuff and ask if he/she is going to huff and puff and blow my house down.

13. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

-13b. Especially if it is offered with a compensation for any damages.

14. Hogwarts is not in the flight path of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannot crash into Hogwarts. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standing on the spires of Hogwarts waving torches screaming "Go away, go away!!"

15. I will not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc.

-15b. This goes for Fred and George, too.

16. Making rumors about Harry and Draco's secret love life is not funny and it will stop soon.

17. I will not suggest to Fred and George that they invent and sell Anti-Anti-Cheating Charm quills.

18. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.

-18b. Having not done this, I will not stay up all night to laugh at said first years.

19. I will not point to Harry Potter's scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.

20. I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not hand out medals for "Hexing Harry Potter," "Endangering a teacher's life by jinxing," or "Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower." I will not send the latter to Professor Snape and make him an honorary member.

21. I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

22. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

23. I will not push Professor Flitwick from his stack of books claiming I need them for my studies.

24. I will not spike my best friend's pumpkin juice and tell him to go hit on Professor McGonagall.

-24b. Or Professor Snape.

25. When asked a question by a teacher I will not inform them that the answer is protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper.

26. I will not hiss at Harry Potter instead of talking.

27. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

28. I will not organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

29. I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch as been permanently canceled.

-29b. Having not done this, I will not tell him that it is Marcus Flint's fault.

30. I will not bewitch Percy Weasley's prefect badges to yell "I'm in love with myself!" every time it senses movement.

31. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

32. I will not sign up the Great Lake at Hogwarts for the Summer Olympics swimming competitions.

-32b. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions

33. I will not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

34. I will not give a "Chosen by whom, actually?" shirt to Harry Potter for Christmas.

35. I will not refer to Aragog as "Charlotte."

36. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins.

-36b. I should not test that.

37. I will not jump up and yell "VOLDERMORT, RUN!" in the middle of a D.A. meeting.

38. If Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade, I will not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"

39. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy started the Hug A Muggle Campaign.

40. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer.

41. I will not tell Ronald Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of the following: 1) Draco Malfoy, 2) Any other Slytherin, 3) Michael Corner, 4) Any other Ravenclaw, 5) Zacharias Smith, 6) Any other Hufflepuff, 7) Neville Longbottom, 8) Any other Gryffindor.

42. Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger "When's the wedding?" is only funny a few times.

43. I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.

44. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

-44b. And Hermione Granger.

45. I will not dress in long black capes with hoods. Draco Malfoy tried this and almost peed his pants. I must learn from his experience.

46. I will not tell Professor Binns that he is dead and a) needs to move on, or b) get a life.

47. I will not change the speed of light to 30 mph and enjoy watching my fellow students and the teachers find out about the miracles of relativity.

48. I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, as it is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

49. I will not hand out shirts that say "Potter 6, Voldemort 0."

50. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

51. I will not convince the first years that "Death Eaters" is the name for a cookery club specialized in experimental dishes.

52. I will not start a howler chain-letter saying "Your life will be cursed for seven years if you don't send this to 10 fellow students within 15 minutes."

53. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

-53b. Neither will Professor Umbridge.

54. I will not bewitch my cauldron to change the freezing-point of water. I will not ask Professor Snape why my potion is freezing while the cauldron is heated. Nor will I point out that I doubted from the beginning that he would be able to sort that out for me.

55. I will not tell the first years on the Hogwarts Express that they have free choice of house if they swim over the lake.

56. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

57. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

58. Sneaking slugs into Ron Weasley's food is not funny.

59. I will not tell Professor Snape that we the student body have been discussing his role in unfortunate events involving the late headmaster and have deemed him a miserable and pathetic excuse of a human being.

-59b. I will also not suggest that he isn't even human.

60. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

61. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do in front of people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

62. I will not hang up a sign saying "Reserved for Draco Malfoy" at the girls' bathroom door.

63. I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

64. I will not tell Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is for a pit bull named Ripper.

65. I will not tell Professor McGonagall about the great Muggle enhancer out there called botox.

-65b. I will not tell her that it would make those thin tight lips of hers into pouty bodacious things.

--65c. I will not tell her that Professor Dumbledore would particularly enjoy looking at those pouty bodacious things.

66. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s.

-66b. Not even if the boy who's whispering this to you tells you he heard it from Hermione Granger herself.

67. I will not set Ravenclaws on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

68. Getting the Sorting Hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time.

69. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

70. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.

71. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

72. I will not ink my owl's feet, have it walk across parchment, and sell the results as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

73. I will not change the speed of sound so that communication by owl is quicker than talking to each other.

74. I will not point out to Professor Sinistra that Astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet.

75. I will not encourage bungee jumping from the Astronomy Tower, nor do it myself, as it is disrespectful of Professor Dumbledore's memory.

76. I will not tell Gryffindor first years that sneaking into the Slytherin dormitory is a rite of passage to truly become a Gryffindor.

77. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

-77b. Neither does Hermione Granger.

78. I will not tell Professor Snape he needs to go to his "Happy Place."

79. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical," I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

80. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

81. I will not imitate Steve Irwin while in Care of Magical Creatures class, even if I have the best fake Australian accent.

82. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

83. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

84. Underwater broom riding does not distinguish the master from the layman. It is not required to become member of any Quidditch team.

85. I will not use Legilimency to get the right answers from my teachers.

86. I will not use Legilimency to get what my fellow students think are the right answers.

-86b. This also pertains to Hermione Granger.

87. I will not psycho-analyze Professor Trelawney, as it clouds her Inner Eye.

88. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

89. I will not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles."

90. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology."

91. Neil Gaiman is not spying on us.

92. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant squid.

93. I will not suggest that we read coffee beans in Divination instead of tea leaves for a bit of a change.

94. I will not tell the teachers that they cannot assign homework, as we do not actually go home during the school year to do it.

95. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule Ball.

96. I will not make fun of Hufflepuffs because their house colors make them look like bees.

97. I will not use silencing charms on my Prefects.

98. I will not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Professor Snape's classroom.

99. I will not add a spoonful of sugar to each potion I make. Mary Poppins was not a brewer of potions.

100. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the Whomping Willow is highly frowned upon.

-100b. I am also not allowed to tell them that the Whomping Willow is inaccurately named and is actually a wonderful spot for peaceful reading.

101. I will not tell Harry Potter that he is fictional and that everything he has worked for is nothing more than a couple of best selling novels and loads of bad fanfiction.

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Well, that definitely cracked us up. Hope you're as amused as we are. :) 


	2. More Things Not To Do At Hogwarts

**More Things Not To Do At Hogwarts  
**_Compiled and created by _jynkyg _and _The Fat Chipmunk

Considering the mad popularity of the original list, we said, "Hey, what the heck?" and decided to post some more. Again, we don't take credit for any of these - we just hope you'll be smiling at the end!

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**More Things Not To Do At Hogwarts**

1. I will not go to class skyclad.

2. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore."

3. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful."

4. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

5. I am not a sloth Animagus.

6. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar and I should not offer him one, even for free.

7. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

8. I will not tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

9. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor and will not sit in the staff room proclaiming myself as such.

10. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

11. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "firewhiskey."

12. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

13. I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin mascot.

14. I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

15. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

16. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Professor Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

-16b. Even if I am a prefect.

17. I will not use Gryffindor and Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations.

18. I will not charm anyone's Time Turner to rotate every half-hour.

19. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

20. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.

21. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

22. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintball.

23. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

24. I will not claim there is a prequel to "Hogwarts, A History" that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

25. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" during the Christmas feast.

26. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

27. I will not create a "Death Eater And Proud Of It!" shirt.

-27b. I will not wear said shirt to class.

28. I will not tell Professor Trelawney I prophesied her death.

29. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

-29b. Having not done this, I will not use magic to propel various food items into Professor Snape's face, no matter how funny this might be.

30. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions.

31. Getting everyone into the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.

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Not as great as the original, of course, but what the hey. We might be putting up more lists to this - there are some wicked funny icons out there. :) 


	3. Even More Things Not To Do At Hogwarts

**Even More Things Not To Do At Hogwarts  
**_Compiled and created by _jynkyg _and _The Fat Chipmunk

Okay, yes, we said this was complete...but we lied. Just some more random tidbits we've collected for you to enjoy. :)

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1. I will not proclaim that there is significant resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul and declare them related.

2. I will not ask Lucius Malfoy if he's ever had any blonde moments.

3. I will not replace dangerous plants in the greenhouses with Chia Pets.

4. I will not attempt to magically animate my Marshmallow Peeps.

5. I will not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have a Time Turner.

6. I will not sweep the Great Hall with broomsticks.

-6b. Having not done this, I will not claim that I was merely performing an act of community service.

7. I will not throw first years out the window and claim that they wanted freedom.

8. I will not present Umbridge with a bottle of flies, no matter how hungry she appears to be.

9. I will not offer to sell a pair of Inferi to Hollywood for the next Steven Spielberg movie.

10. I will not assert that the main Inferi habitat is the Dead Sea.

11. I will not attempt to perform the Imperius Curse on Peeves, or the Bloody Baron, and especially not both at once.

12. I will not tell Griphook I have put Gryffindor's sword up on eBay.

13. I will not advise Neville Longbottom to start a career as a magician.

14. I will not claim relation to Voldemort in any way and announce that I will continue his work.

15. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldy's Angels."

16. I will not tell first years that bubotubers are filled with honey.

17. I will not attempt to arrest Quidditch players for "flying under the influence."

18. I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy Tower.

19. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.

20. I will not mass produce copies of the Marauder's Map.

21. The fact that there are only three Unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable."

22. I will not start Kentucky Fried Owl as it is not a lucrative business opportunity.

23. I will not "walk on water" or "part the seas" and claim that I am the second Messiah.

24. I will not proclaim that Molly Weasley is the second leading cause of death in the UK.

25. I will not tickle a sleeping dragon under any circumstances.

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And as a bonus, just a couple bad Harry Potter jokes:

Knock, knock!  
Who's there?  
You know…  
You know who?  
That's right! AVADA KEDAVRA!

Did you hear about the wizard who was robbed in front of Gringotts yesterday?  
Yeah, he completely lost his knuts.

Professor Trelawney: You will die, you will die, you will die, you will die.  
Harry Potter: Professor, why are you repeating yourself?  
Professor Trelawney: Why, I'm four-telling the future!

Hermione went to Madam Pomfrey with uncontrollable hiccups to see if she could do something to stop them. Madam Pomfrey examined her all over and then pronounced gravely, "I have news for you, Miss Granger. You're pregnant." At this, Hermione fainted on the spot, and when she finally came round a few minutes later she asked, "Oh, dear - am I really pregnant?" To which Madam Pomfrey replied, "Of course not! But it has cured your hiccups, hasn't it?"

Why didn't Voldemort go to the Yule Ball?  
He had no body to go with.

If Rowling wrote a neat little summary of all the Harry Potter books, what would it be called?  
"Harry Potter and the Half-Deathly Order of the Secret Azkaban Fire Stone."

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Maybe we'll add some other stuff later, and if you find any really funny ones you'd like to see added, feel free to message us!


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